May. 9th, 2009

evilkate: (Default)
Well it's the 9th of May - here at least - and I'm in a strange place, but then I have been every May for some time now. It's a month that has carried echoes since May 22nd 2004. Why? Well that isn't for now, beyond noting that a lot changed in my life back then.

I'm planning, as mentioned in a previous blogging, to post the cliff notes later - possibly on the looming May 22nd: seems like a good day for it, a time to be positive and take back some things that other's tried to take away.

Yeah, May is an odd Month: my birthday is in 4 days, on the 13th - yes, that makes me an Autumn-child here.  Oh and don't feel sorry for me regarding the date - I always thought it was a lucky number. Still do. For the life of me, sometimes I don't know why. I suppose because whatever I've been through, I know someone, somewhere has seen worse. Which isn't to discount my own trauma, just put it into context. Because everyone experiences pain - or at last they should because it's the touch-point between us all. The hurts and traumatic moments in life are something we have in common. That we endure and survive is something we share. Even if we don't always share the details.

I used to be so confident. Now, I just manage to wear the right masks often enough, because they are necessary and because you can't spill everything all the time. Not even I can do that - not even with my new found honesty. Besides, people can catch some spillage and good friends will but they can't catch it all, nor should they have to. The point of sharing such pain is not to bring them into it with you, rather it's to get it away from yourself for a while - and also to stop holding everything in. Sometimes, you just have to spill a little.

That's what I lost on that terrible day - that day still not distant enough - my confidence. Not all the time just intermittently too often. I guess you could call them moments of hesitation, where I spend too much time second-guessing myself instead of just being. At my worst I can fall into changing my behaviours: natural instincts fall away and I'm left flailing, grasping for the right answer or the 'correct' course. It becomes difficult to just be me. It doesn't happen as often as it used to but it does still happen. These twisting circles of thought start parading around and I simply cannot make a choice. Consequence and fear take hold. It's very annoying.

Think of this as a precursor post - a warning for the one to come. Some close friends already know so why am I going to post in this public place. It'll be for me. Not a single soul need read it and the job will be done. Maybe it'll be another step toward healing. I don't know. At the moment I have no idea if it's wise to post it or not.

I guess I'm embedded in another moment of hesitation.

Kate Out


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