May. 14th, 2009

evilkate: (Default)
I think I lost my Mum today. For a time at least. To keep myself reasonably stable, I'm going to have to let go: phone her in a few days and explain that I won't be visiting for a few years. No Xmas; no birthdays or anything. I can't handle her anymore - not at the expense of myself.

She came over for my birthday (which was yesterday but we couldn't meet up then for various reasons). While here, she got talking and it seemed 'okay' and she even had a chat to one of my housemates. The housemate called me Kate twice over that period. My mum called me *boyname* twice; referred to "his sister" when talking of my sister; used he three times and otherwise managed her usual passive aggressive denial in a similar vein.

I love my mum but each time she does that is like being gutted. Random people can say whatever they want and I could care less, but a parent is different. It actually hurts - because you can't wear the usual armour.

So I'm going to call her and explain that I'll see her in 4 or 5 years, if she then wants to.

She has known for five years now - and still uses the "I need time to adjust" ... but she doesn't offer even a token effort. I know other TG's had had similar and even worse hurt from their own family. Makes me wonder if I should have a right to feel so down. But I know I do - because hurt is hurt, no matter the degree.

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evilkate

October 2010

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