Jul. 2nd, 2009

evilkate: (Default)
I've been working up to this post for a few weeks now. Before I start, I am well aware that most, if not all, of this is embedded in my head - a legacy of things past, of things I only began to sort through late last year. So bear in mind that the material that follows is only a perception and I know that intellectually - emotionally it is a little harder. So if I say something, I am speaking to the embedded view from my minds eye, not anything especially true.

I am so very isolated. I can be in a room of people and still feel it. I can be chatting online and still feel it. I can talk to people face-to-face ... and still feel it. There is a wall I built an age ago, because it was needed back then and I've been trying to pull it down since its purpose ended but, so far, for all my effort I haven't succeeded. I've been trying for a few years now. I feel like I am closer some times. Right now isn't such a time.

When the mindset is wrong or the anxieties too strong, the isolation is worse when among others. It isn't their fault. They aren't even aware of it, usually. I am very good at facades: 30-something years of denial taught me that skill. Yay for having a skill! :)

I don't know how to remove that wall but I am refusing to stop trying. The effort does get tiring though. Sometimes very. More so lately, as I have been walking a lot - to shops and on errands. It is a good move forward but also contains some bad. Sometimes it is freeing while at others it is like choosing to bury yourself alive in the noise of others; in the noise of the world wrought large. So large that you feel smaller by the contrast.

It seems that the only thing I manage faster than making friends, is losing them. A point always comes where they pull back a little ... or so it seems. I know that the reality is more jagged than that simple view. People have lives and issues of their own. They have moments of being tired;  of dealing with their own demons;  of just living their lives. Perception is a unkind filter at times, it warps the view around you. You are embedded in it and must consciously work to remember that.

I'm also sure that some friends - after a time of helping me sort my shit, of being a friend and of having my history drain them - well, I would not fault them for reaching past a tolerance. A person can only give so much, especially if they want to keep enough in reserve for their own lived experience.

There are some I used to talk to so often and they gave so much and I never said thank you. Not in so many words. I wish I had before they receded. I wish I'd seen past my own view, enough at least to offer them that much. I miss them.

Worry not - I'm not in a terribly bad place: no worse than I've moved through before at any rate. Too much honesty? Maybe. I don't especially care right now.

Kate Out

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evilkate

October 2010

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