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[personal profile] evilkate
Well. In my last post I said I wasn't going to get ahead of myself. Good thinking that: last night - when I was still feeling better, calmer - in the smallest moment, an instant so small I cannot place it, everything fell again. I'm tired. Tired of being such a messed up, broken remnant of someone I once knew. THEY brought me this and I hate them so much. After two sleeps without nightmares they also returned, after I spent hours in a hole so deep I couldn't see out. I feel somewhere in between now. Mostly, I feel embarrassed and tired of showing the world fragile views of me. Tired of seeing them myself.

I'm just glad someone was there to reach for. In truth I was trying to distract myself, so I jump them in MSN, all cheerful. It didn't work and it wasn't long until they knew something was seriously out of sync. So they stayed and talked and listened and that's what a friend does. In my head I know that. I know I have friends but, in that deep place, cold and empty, it can be difficult to believe the things you know.

This person also passed bits to another - thoughts on where I was and how and why. I didn't mind - though on another day I might have. I didn't much care about anything at the time. It was a good thing in the end, because the other and myself then talked and I finally managed to put into words where the problem sits (beyond the obvious) and they 'got it.'

So I am taking that and using it here - to try to explain. Hopefully, this time it will make more sense.

At the heart of it is my trust issues - unfair of me really: I have to fight to trust anyone and, it is so hard, I can't get there alone. I need people to meet me half-way. I know a few get that - and they're just busy and things at times ... but I also know many stand back, because they fear putting more weight on me. They see this fragile Kate and don't want to push. Which is the opposite of what I need.

Fucked up eh? - a demented emotional recluse, with serious trust issues, expecting people to trust her - heh. You see, I know any real friendship takes trust from both sides - yet all I can offer is a best effort, and still I expect others to offer the same, without regard to what I have or haven't managed to give.

This other person, last night, also mentioned how, when I 'hide' it makes me seem more fragile. So they thought I wanted to have time to myself. No. A case of opposite land once again.

When I was here last time I fled, because I started to feel close to people and wasn't yet ready - my trust wasn't developed enough. I knew if I had stayed, I would likely have pushed people away, subconsciously or otherwise. So to avoid that and to find space to address this trust problem I had (still have, though not as profoundly). I left.

Now, however, I'm ready for friends - but some who knew me before treat me as the frail person I was then. I am not that old Kate anymore - the bad moments I have now are different. Generally due to feeling isolated - not, as they used to be, from getting too close and being unable to deal. Rather, these come from my desire to connect and my own inability to reach the whole distance, while too few realise I'm even reaching.

Twisted irony eh?

And new folk? - I have no idea. Some probably don't know how to approach, given things I've revealed. Others - probably just have lives: their own concerns and trials and distractions. It's okay - just not when I slip and everything seems deliberate. I KNOW it isn't. But knowing and getting the thorns inside to believe aren't the same thing.

Sometimes - main chat is worse that sitting outside - being in a crowd - I can't go there when I'm really in the bad place. Perceptions outweigh realities - all messed and tangled. So I avoid it for two reason. I am NOT hiding. Merely mitigating the twisted feelings I have at the time - not feeding them. That and avoiding hurting others. You get close to an edge and there is always the chance you'll collapse and just unload at people - people who don't deserve that.

So I'm not hiding because I am frail, I'm withdrawing because my view is wrong - and I know that. People can talk to me, PM, MSN, Priv - whatever. IF they want to. I'm not trying to find isolation. The fact I hang around should reveal that. I need contact. Want it even. I just can't get there myself - though I have tried repeatedly.

So I withdrew for a while - willing to have one on ones - to still talk. I assumed everyone understood that. I wasn't looking for alone - just ... not too much noise in one place - makes sense?

Then - to be honest - sometimes the pain is so much (legacy of the attack - not due to isolation) I want distraction but find it hard to reach out for it, because of the trust issues - they take so much effort to fight . I find myself unable to do that by myself. It's so difficult for me to reach out that way, to initiate any contact, discussion and so on. For one person I admire very much, this has added difficulties. Simply because they rarely initiate privs and such with anyone. They have that right. I'm not annoyed, more puzzled as to how to bridge a gap between one with trust issues and another happy to stand back. Almost amusing. Heh.

The simple fact that even my closest friends are difficult to reach for, that is a point of shame. It feels like saying "Oh, you are my friend but I just can't trust you" - and expecting them to go "Oh, Okay - sure thing." *sigh*

So,  in summary, trust issues hold me back from reaching for others when I need to most - and they hold back, thinking I want alone. Quite a self-made cell I have for myself.

I used to naively trust everyone - and the naivety is still there - but I can't follow through like I used to. Possibly a good thing, given where it led me in 2004. That was when they stole that ability. I used to not care, just wanting to move forward, but lately I find myself in a place from which I can easily HATE THEM.

So yeah - there it is the post that reveals how messed up and fragile I am - and asks for people to stop treating me as such. Yay for contradictions.

Kate Out

Date: 2009-07-12 10:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bakho.livejournal.com
Well worded. And I think you pretty much said it all. *hugs*

Date: 2009-07-12 07:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nerwengreen.livejournal.com
Hmmm... well.. "oh, okay, sure thing" pretty much is my actual reaction to it. ;) I may not understand all of the whys and wherefores, but I think I get the gist.

Couple other comments as I was reading, unrelated to the above and to each other...

Sometimes you have to be weak to be strong.

Anger and hate is the next stage of grief after denial.

You've come a long way since the last time you were in chat. I don't know about anyone else, but I noticed, at least.

Date: 2009-07-12 07:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] evilfemme001.livejournal.com
Yeah - I know you noticed - even said as much to a few folk. Heh. I know the whole anger this is part of the process, I just don't like it - because I'm ... well, eseentially a passivist who has studied the Tao, practiced Tai Chi and Wu Shu (and taught them) and also reasonably into meditation. So yeah - the whole anger and hate thing runs counter to so much of my self. I have never done anger that well, not so sure how to go there - heh :)

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