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[personal profile] evilkate
Many times I have mentioned a mood shift and often include the disclaimer: that I won't get ahead of myself. More so when the shift is from bad to good.

Many readers would be well aware how I've been very up and down lately. I'm sure it gives an impression of more instability than is actually present, so this post is a brief explanation as to why it isn't 'so' bad. I'm not arguing there haven't been moments, some even quite serious, merely that there is another element at play, one I've never completely explained to any but for a very few, perhaps only one even. Heh.

Some know that I am an Intuitive - not the casual usual ability of most, rather a wholly different thing, where my subconscious is often much smarter than I am. :)  It sounds odd - probably is to those who haven't lived with it all their life. I myself am used to it, most of the time, but then I probably should be by now.

My undermind, as I like to call it, takes details and facets of my views, absorbing much of everything around and within me: all the words spoken; the spaces between those words; body language; distant and apparently unrelated tidbits and ... other things not so easily named. It takes these and processes them; finds patterns and, often only when I am ready, reveals such solutions and answers in flashes as I call them. Sometimes such a flash can take moments for form and emerge. At other times it can take a very long time.

In all cases, there is a ... build up of frustration; of unsettled emotion and, well, heightened moodiness preceding the emergence of a flash. It is generally in proportion to the magnitude of the insight being released. Small flashes are barely noticeable. Very large ones ... well that is quite different. Moods can move drastically, very quickly, especially when something 'large' - something that has taken a long time to resolve and be readied for arrival - when something momentous, of magnitude starts to move .... well, then I can appear very unstable - heh. More than appear but then most that have seen such are well aware of that. :)

The fact that, over recent months, I have been stable/berserk in multi-faceted degrees and seemingly random frequency. Well - it has been harsh but overall a good thing. Because, quite simply put, it was/is a sign of how much I've sorted through and begun to sort. I've had a lot of help, friends and professional, and throughout it all, my undermind has been toiling away, waiting for the answers and/or for me to be ready to notice them.

So I'm good. In the last few weeks alone, I have had several major flashes and the release, the freedom now they are out, is fantastic. Not euphoric, just ... all good.

So, once again, I will note that I shall not get ahead of myself. This time I don't have to move ahead of anything. This time I am in the moment and, for the first time in months, happy to just be that.

No expectations or over-thinking; no frustration, in reaching for answers not yet ready; none for failing to reach for those that were/are ready; no overzealous awareness of things just out of reach and, most of all, a sudden contentment with remaining uncertainties. They haven't gone away - I'm just fine with them now. Well, mostly :)

I had an interesting discussion with someone today, about how I am often perceived as impatient. Heh. It took a little explaining but I finally found the words: my patience is only ever diminished, when I have too many unresolved flashes and when the unredeemed uncertainty of that rises. It comes from frustration - from knowing an answer is there but not yet there enough. Or, even not yet 'here' enough.

In reality, my patience is quite solid - in normal space. A good example of this process is my transition: at the beginning and before the 'beginning' I was so very impatient. Simply because I was waiting on some large flashes to rise and the pressures built up and the uncertainties grew unmanageable. In time, however, those flashes arrived and ... I settled into transition with ease. It is a very long process and I still have some years ahead - but none of it matters, because the important questions have answers; because there is the simple contentment of awareness. Not awareness of a situation or an outcome or any given event or process - those things are always unknown and I've never had issues with that kind of uncertainty. No, this is the bone deep awareness of self; the little things and large, held down in the core of 'who i am' - this is awareness of self and, while never complete, the endeavour of honesty is to keep looking into that place.

Some VERY important fragments have emerged over the last few months - most especially those newly risen over the last few weeks.

I can honestly say I feel happiness. It's strange but not unwelcome. Most of all though, I am feeling free. Quite a few chains are loosening - which is perhaps a metaphor settled the wrong way around, given some of the revelations I am faced with now.


I am quite certain that everything isn't done yet. There will be a few more swings and a few more falls to come. I do know - intrinsically, deep in my water - that the worst is done. From this point it's mainly just tidying up and tying up loose ends.

For that I have as long as it takes - and I'm really, quite okay with that. So yeah, hopefully people won't be so .... startled ... when they meet 'patent kate' now ... I'm not sure if many of you have met her much, if at all.

Kate Out - SO very out  :)
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October 2010

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