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[personal profile] evilkate
I was an idealist when younger: full of optimism; unaware that life lacks a climactic scene - well none involving the defeat of the story's villain, nor any containing some young and buxom maiden fawning at you with her eyes. It's an important element of youth, that boldness and naivety, as it allows you to move onward without too many chains. You can't be as afraid of something you do not know is there.  This doesn't mean that uncertainties are not ahead at that time, only that you don't yet know the shape of them all.

As you gather years you discover them in small bites, usually just right for digestion. You slowly learn to cope,  find yourself able to keep moving even as you uncover the hidden depth of uncertainty inherent in life.

In this way, aging brings with it a degree of cynicism. Some might call it realism. Or maybe it's just the old adage: the more you age, the more aware you become of how little you know. That much I think is a good thing, shedding the arrogance and naivety of earlier days. I have not completely taken to it though - given how I seem doomed to make the same mistakes, again and again. Heh. I do remember reading once that experience is the feeling you gather when you make a mistake again.

If so, I am pretty darn experienced.

So where is this going exactly? - well ... essentially, it's about how I find myself able to handle most uncertainties now. Pretty close to all, bar one. I'm not alone in this last uncertainty ... it plagues most people at some point in their life.  Mine was just given weight on a day in May some years past.. I lost the ability - or skill, knowledge, capacity? - lost the art of 'making that connection.' I used to know how it all worked many years ago. I was confident enough; naive enough; optimistic enough to pursue people caught in my eye. I miss that instinct - a lot - because now ... now I don't know how any of it works.

What that means for days ahead I do not know. Perhaps it is easier to stop chasing ... stand still and wait for someone to catch me? It would be less self-destructive than my current modus operandi - the one where I fall for the most inaccessible; the most unlikely; the most unattainable. Maybe there's something in my undermind to that. :)


Yeah ... my diminished optimism doesn't see that as very likely. :)

And no - I'm not depressed or falling into a bad place. I'm just tired. Far too much work lately. I'm almost sure things will look better when I find myself some time off.

Kate Out
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October 2010

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