evilkate: (Default)
firefly against a wishful sky
she envied the stars their distance,
each hand fumbling to tear them down-

an inevitable witness to all beyond her grasp

now she almost understands
why they send their brittle light to us


and why every event that forgets us
is never forgotten
Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
I've been working up to this post for a few weeks now. Before I start, I am well aware that most, if not all, of this is embedded in my head - a legacy of things past, of things I only began to sort through late last year. So bear in mind that the material that follows is only a perception and I know that intellectually - emotionally it is a little harder. So if I say something, I am speaking to the embedded view from my minds eye, not anything especially true.

I am so very isolated. I can be in a room of people and still feel it. I can be chatting online and still feel it. I can talk to people face-to-face ... and still feel it. There is a wall I built an age ago, because it was needed back then and I've been trying to pull it down since its purpose ended but, so far, for all my effort I haven't succeeded. I've been trying for a few years now. I feel like I am closer some times. Right now isn't such a time.

When the mindset is wrong or the anxieties too strong, the isolation is worse when among others. It isn't their fault. They aren't even aware of it, usually. I am very good at facades: 30-something years of denial taught me that skill. Yay for having a skill! :)

I don't know how to remove that wall but I am refusing to stop trying. The effort does get tiring though. Sometimes very. More so lately, as I have been walking a lot - to shops and on errands. It is a good move forward but also contains some bad. Sometimes it is freeing while at others it is like choosing to bury yourself alive in the noise of others; in the noise of the world wrought large. So large that you feel smaller by the contrast.

It seems that the only thing I manage faster than making friends, is losing them. A point always comes where they pull back a little ... or so it seems. I know that the reality is more jagged than that simple view. People have lives and issues of their own. They have moments of being tired;  of dealing with their own demons;  of just living their lives. Perception is a unkind filter at times, it warps the view around you. You are embedded in it and must consciously work to remember that.

I'm also sure that some friends - after a time of helping me sort my shit, of being a friend and of having my history drain them - well, I would not fault them for reaching past a tolerance. A person can only give so much, especially if they want to keep enough in reserve for their own lived experience.

There are some I used to talk to so often and they gave so much and I never said thank you. Not in so many words. I wish I had before they receded. I wish I'd seen past my own view, enough at least to offer them that much. I miss them.

Worry not - I'm not in a terribly bad place: no worse than I've moved through before at any rate. Too much honesty? Maybe. I don't especially care right now.

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
You Are Skilled
You are balanced and competent. You value harmony.

Other people see you as outgoing, hyper, and even a bit overwhelming.

Your ideal romantic relationship is peaceful, romantic, and private.

You do best in tasks that require you to be flexible, creative, and playful.

Woohoo - freakily accurate. I must thank [livejournal.com profile] sarahwilson01  for finding this :)

Kate Out

evilkate: (Default)
Turning 117 Lines of very complex code, over 3 class methods, into 56 Lines of merely quasi-complex code, over 2 class methods that has more functionality than the previous effort?

Priceless :)

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
I haven't written anything decent since May 1st 2009. So I guess I'm stuck pasting old work for a bit.

Da Poetry ... )

2 is more than enough for 1 post I think.

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
Just an interesting, if frightening, tidbit I picked up from a story on PBS Newshour: there are more registered gun dealerships in the US, than there are McDonalds stores worldwide.


And people say Oz is scary due to all the poisonous animals.

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
I love the garden, though I have not been in it for 3 or 4 weeks - stupid flu. The good news is that the Flu is fading and now I can look forward to gettting out into some sunlight again.

In the meantime, here is the start of the long-promised pictures. Most of these are close-ups but they're still good. I must thatnk my houemate, Victoria, since they were taken by her.

Wee - Garden Goodness ... )

That is all for now - there is indeed much much more, but I should spread 'em out a bit :P

Kate Out

evilkate: (Default)

Being assaulted, made helpless, a witness of your own reduction is a singular experience - one I could never wish upon anyone: not those very few I have hated in my life nor those who have inflicted this very moment on myself. It leaves a strain, an embedded strand you can't remove, though you try, you endlessly keep trying to un-thread that needle. Maybe it does fade someday. If so, I have not reached that day yet.

This is not an essay of woe-is-me, just an effort to write some details out and, by reflection, maybe find some answers - or, at least uncover where to start looking. A 'survivor' is like a cemetery in many ways - there is so much buried in us; so much that is dead and so much more of what once lived. Some of it we bury ourselves - nerve-endings and those raw edges we are weary of carrying. We also bury parts of ourselves at sea and, in order to keep our lungs full, we learn to breath underwater. The art is not so hard - once the need arises. We cast off the things too painful, the moments we don't want defining us. The real problem rises when we start burying anything that might risk entering such moments again.

For me that was trust.

Read more... )

evilkate: (Default)

I found a link to this in one of the many LJ transgender communities I follow. Wow - Cher is going to have a boy! It's good to see stuff like this made public and, even with the obligatory negative responses, I found far more positive ones.

Do browse the 'stories' shared (connected) to this brief article. All very interesting.

It actually started cheering me up, on an otherwise very flat day.

Kate Out

evilkate: (Default)
Hey, it's been ages, so hush!

Got this from [livejournal.com profile] sarahwilson01 

1. You can only answer YES or NO

2. You cannot explain ANYTHING unless asked to.

Been arrested? — No
Kissed someone you didn't like? — No
Slept in until 5 PM? — Yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? — Yes
Held a snake? — No
Ran a red light? — No
Been suspended from school? — No
Experienced love at first sight? — Yes
Totaled your car in an accident? — No
Been fired from a job? — No
Fired somebody? — Yes
Sung karaoke? — No
Pointed a gun at someone? — No
Did something you told yourself you wouldn't? — Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? — Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? — No
Kissed in the rain? — Yes
Had a close brush with death (your own)? — No
Saw someone die? — No
Played Spin-the-Bottle? — No
Smoked a cigar? — Yes
Sat on a rooftop? — Yes
Smuggled something into another country? — No
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? — Yes
Broken a bone? — No
Skipped school? — Yes
Eaten a bug? — No
Sleepwalked? — Yes
Walked on a moonlit beach? — Yes
Ridden a motorcycle? — No
Dumped someone? — No
Forgotten your anniversary? — No
Lied to avoid a ticket? — No
Ridden in a helicopter? — No
Shaved your head? — No
Blacked out from drinking? — No
Played a prank on someone? — Yes
Hit a home run? — No
Felt like killing someone? — Yes
Cross-dressed? — Yes
Been falling-down drunk? — Yes
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? — Yes
Eaten snake? — No
Marched/Protested? — Yes
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? — No
Puked on an amusement ride? — Yes
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? — Yes
Knitted? — Yes
Been on TV? — No
Shot a gun? — Yes
Skinny-dipped? — Yes
Given someone stitches? — Yes
Eaten a whole habenero pepper? — No
Ridden a surfboard? — No
Drunk straight from a liquor bottle? — Yes
Had surgery? — Yes
Streaked? — Yes
Been taken by ambulance to a hospital? — No
Tripped on mushrooms? — No
Passed out when NOT drinking? — Yes
Peed on a bush? — Yes
Donated Blood? — Yes
Grabbed electric fence? — No
Eaten alligator meat? - No
Eaten cheesecake? — Yes
Killed an animal when not hunting? — No
Peed your pants in public? — No
Snuck into a movie without paying? - Yes
Written graffiti? — No
Still love someone you shouldn't? — Yes
Think about the future? — Yes
Been in handcuffs? — Yes
Believe in love? — Yesish
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? — Yes

And bite me for breaking the rules - pah! 

Kate Out

evilkate: (Default)
I wrote this an age ago, so it does NOT relate to me so much now - just one of my favourite writes is all.

this past, becomes elegy

vacant and small,
she finds no time for sad songs
in July

the fiction

this close to the sun
each beautiful girl is a graveyard,

the past's little deaths mourned
in each

as pieces scattered
dust to dust

while the priests & midwives
say nothing

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)

give me your essential

lay it open
above this sentimental sanity,
still refusing the worth of water
without pain

while all else held here
between cracks of a tightly
splayed palm
forgives the untethered weight
that displaces me from centre

I will not  not press the question again,
until  all my borrowed soil

comes back from between
evilkate: (Default)
raised beneath an unspent sun

every day upon waking
a flock of dead birds ascends
from her eyes

borrowed from one day
after the next
they do not heed the lethargic shout
embraced within her quiet bones

nor shun an untoward sky, set high
above a loud, far too intangible earth

like this her feet descend
to cross each others unmade path
as she stumbles upon
her brightest wings aflame

just like an unspent sun
gently-bent against her idle

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
And every now and then you find a new song with lyrics that run like poetry :P

Satellite Skin by Modest Mouse

If you break these moth wing feelings
Powdering dust on your fingers
Well now were not prayin’ were kneelin’

Hard enough just to say you believe them
Well how the heck did you think you could beat them
At the same time that your trying to be them

Hard enough just to say you don’t need it
When they took it up while you were still eating
Well satellite, satellite skin

Just to know, just to say you don’t realize it
Well everyone’s willing to listen
Oh satellite, satellite skin

You can say what you want your forgiven
Well happy f***ing congratulations.
Well everyone, everyone wins

Just like being my own solar system
Doing good things but they totally eclipse them
Oh whats the use, oh what the hell

If you break these moth wing feelings
Butterfly knives in the ceiling
Well everyone, everyone's waiting

Detachments gets praised and completed
You can say what you want and not mean it
Well no one really seems to be waiting

If you sweep up this mess I created
Nothings left to show I existed
Oh satellite, satellite skin

Asking for a question
Was it easier to say then was actually done?
Do you even believe them?
Do you even believe that there’s a race to be won?

If you break these moth wing feelings
I have seen it all become satellite skin
Opening some eyes

A knack to know that it’s their opinions
Get stacked in all those usual avoided spots
Just to tell you I could not have seen
Through to the gist of those unhappy,
Happy accidents.

and a clip - so you can get the musical feel an a better idea of just how clever this band is  :)


Egads I wish I'd thought of "Satellite Skin" or "Moth Wing Feelings" - hehe. This has inspired me to write something ... I'm curious to see what rises :)

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
Okay - on rereading, after a few hours away, I realised how my last missive might have sounded.

I never meant to imply that people can not have, or offer, opinions about me or matters related. I have no issue with that. The difficulty posted about previously, relates specifically to this situation:

me: this is how I feel on this blah blah blah
someone else: maybe you actually are feeling this blah blah blah

No ... if I express a strong feeling, it's generally because I have it - but yeah - sorry for the confusion the last post may have established.

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
It's always been challenging at times - being as intuitive as I am. Any fundamental facet of a person should be reconciled by the time they reach a certain age but this freaky talent of mine never will be. Why? Because it leads me to leaps of faith all the time and nobody else can believe that leap. Sure - it should be enough for me to believe it ... right? Not where it involves others. I should just keep quiet and not bother trying to explain stuff to others.

But the one thing, above all else, that is sure to cause me irritation is when someone deigns to tell me how I feel about something. Now they are welcome to decide their feelings with regard to anything - because those feelings are theirs after all. So why would someone try to tell me, even indirectly, that I'm 'just confused' or I am mistaking empathy for something else.

You guys all take ownership of your own feelings and I will continue to do the same regarding mine. I'm not sure, in the mood atm, whether I'll share them as often or as richly though.

And no, I'm not overtly angry with those who handed me their patronising perspectives - I'm just tired of it all, so I'm taking some time to regather myself; cauterise some nerves; possibly get a heart transplant and, if time remains, have a vacation or two.

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
This was what I expected, given that most courts would be hesitant to overturn a public poll and just as hesitant to remove a right granted to some. So there we go - a 3-tier system with: traditional married couples; special case married gay couples and the rest who may not wed.

For this to happen in California of all places today is truly staggering, given that Iowa now allows gay marriage along with 4 other US states.


Ah well, 2010 will be interesting.

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)

in all mystery
she finds herself unknown

like any other beneath
the fold,
unable to pry enough distance
to settle complete

this timid cage of rib

stutters around her childish
until she is understood, revealed
by her falling

yet unable to comprehend
this rush, how it fears
to harm another skin, more
than its own

and the circles spin
until nothing remains to hold
but quiet air

nothing beyond the subtlety
of faith without chains

or a reason to fly
without wings

and still she knows
the burn

evilkate: (Default)
I've been prompted to think a lot lately - how unusual  - about perception and the endurance of a self's identity. How anyone who isn't cisgendered has a perspective so much sharper in many ways. My thinking was partly prompted by a blog post from a good friend and kicked into focus when I did a favour for another friend.

In the first case, the friend was noting how, as non-cisgendered people, we often see things behaviourly re male/female that most others miss. It's true. Some would call these stereotypes and there is often a knee-jerk reaction to that word - but these differences do exist. Gender embeds people into social frameworks in differing ways. Now, of course, not all stereotypes apply to all people. That is what makes them stereotypes - the fact that they are broad summaries of complex behaviour. Nor do I see gender as anything close to binary - rather it seems to be a continuum and we all sit upon it somewhere. Furthermore, one cannot confuses sex and gender as many do instinctively: even many who are trans do this at times. After all, for those who cannot reconcile themselves (myself included) without transition - isn't that process partly about bringing physicality and emotional details into sync? Then there are those who manage to reconcile without transition and that makes them no less trans. That whole topic of 'authentic' is a discussion for another day though. For now - let's focus.

So it is not a simple thing but it has a simple resolution. If people can simply respect each other and offer whatever pronoun is preferred, regardless of transitional status, well that's easy ... isn't it?

But apparently it is not. This is where we come to the second friend, the one I did a favour for. He was in a forum where a transwoman was bemoaning how many lesbians would refuse to accept her. My friend wanted to know what her point was. He didn't quite 'get it' but, he had the decency to ask someone and to realise his issue.

Reading through that thread, I grew steadily angrier. Not only because so many responses were callous; selfish and basically vicious, but because of the general reality that they 'did not get it' - and these were people who SHOULD have.

I find it incredibly ironic - and somewhat tragic - how any gay girl could say "Sorry, I can't be with you because you are not a 'real' woman" - and that was the basic argument. They will say the same to post-ops, including those who past extremely well. Now don't mistake me here. People are allowed their preferences and we all have them. If someone isn't attracted to someone else, then they aren't - and if that is because they are not into some physical or emotional detail, that also is their right.

However, what ever happened to compassion and being polite? Why would anyone need to rabidly assert some kind of viciousness, by actually naming their preference as "only real women."

So what makes a woman real even? Having a womb? - hey there are woman born without those, a medical condition. Having a cycle? - so are we really defining gender based of binary ideals of physical characteristics? Being 'born' female? - well that might cause conflicts if we drop the whole binary gender model. Hrmm?

There was once a large movement within feminism - much of it centred among the gay population - that worked toward deconstructing gender. Where did that movement go? Did I miss something? :) People who have fought to own their identity, to not be defined by the views of others - some seem to have little issue with defining "not a real woman/man" and then imposing that on someone who is trans. How can these people not see what they do?

Most of all, I find it incredulous - that women who have had to fight for their place; to assert themselves as gay and proud; to push constantly against the weight of bigotry and institutional discrimination ... how tragic that some of those people who then inflict the same kinds of ignorance on others?

So there you have it. I always knew and had commented and discussed it with friends before this - but seeing the attitudes in that room. It was all so jarring ... that we have not moved as far as some keep telling us we have. Ignorance still abounds. People are still embedded in selfish realities and the world is still a harsh place to many.

Kate Out

PS: Oh - and don't go into the "Harden Up" argument people. I think that itself is a bogus argument, used by many to disavow any personal need to care. What? - so the world can be a harsh reality ... I don't agree that we need to surrender our compassion; fold inwards and become overtly self-interested beings. The world becomes less harsh only when we bother to care for the plight of others. Compassion is not a weakness ... it is the best thing we have going for us :)
evilkate: (Default)
We have once again met the enemy on the field. At approximately 8.41pm this day, contact was made with an unknown agent who had para-dropped into our base camp with great stealth and cunning.

Unfortunately for this agent, they missed their jump zone and landed on heavily patrolled land. We quickly determined it was a recon scout and sent forth a five man assault team to gather further information and intervene as required.

The agent managed to flee with light wounds due to the high state of surprise and panic within the camp, It was last seen crawlimping into the sewers. After a tactical evaluation, it was determined that no pursuit would be engaged, due the the fact that 'WE HATE SPIDERS!'


'We' especially hate spiders who bungee-jump onto the face!

And my phobia gathers momentum.

Kate Out


evilkate: (Default)

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