evilkate: (Default)
A few days beyond the latest anniversary and I'm still besotted. I don't frequent my usual online haunts with as much regularity, given I'm working hard toward funds. The visit to Hungary is getting closer - yay - and after that we'll seriously start sorting their moving here.

Given our respective embedded issues, we both often pause and wonder how we'll make this work. These are only brief moments and, in the end, it's obvious how it will all work out: because we talk about everything. If either of us has a darker moment, we don't keep it to ourselves. Instead, we get it out there between us and, soon after, we're all happy and relaxed again, having talked everything through, soothed away fears and, most of all, held each other in love.

10 months in and it's still wonderful. We fit so well. This is my first real relationship as 'me' - where I'm not hiding in fear or confusion or shame. It makes such a difference. Hindsight really is 20/20 - if I'd known how good this could feel, I'd have never stayed hidden and afraid as I did. I wouldn't have hurt someone I cared for as much as I did.

I never really apologised to the ex, or maybe I got close once, but I never quite made it. It's only recently that I figured out why. It's rather pathetic really. If one manages a sincere apology, then the other might forgive and ... back then, I hated myself too much to allow that. Like I said, it's completely stupid and self-absorbed.

I'm just happy she got a life, a good one, with someone that cares for her ... someone to care for. Not for my sake, because it isn't about me - shock horror. I'm just honestly glad that she made herself a new life. A good life.

And that's all we can really hope for, isn't it? A good life. Seems I have found mine too. If anyone had asked me a year ago - I'd never have seen this coming. It's washed the last, faded, stains of shame from me ... the way she accepts me as I am, for exactly who I am. The fact that I can be myself, without fear or shame or self-loathing, prolly helps some. I guess, after the ex, I decided to strive toward the honest life. To stop hiding and to push into my true self, regardless how difficult, how frightening. So any potential interest, would see all of me and make their decision based on that.

So here I am, and such a someone has come - and they see all of me and want all of me. I know I want all of them.

It's a good feeling, the honest life thing. If only sooner ... but then, if wishes were horses eh? You can't change the past. It's an empty mirror - you'll never find yourself looking into it. I can't fix what has gone before. I can only do better in the time to come.

Which should be quite the enterprise, given who I'll have beside me, sharing that time.

I love you babes. Life is full of possibility again. Possibility and wonder.

Kate Out


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October 2010

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