evilkate: (Default)
Okay ... so fine! - the world known as my readers are not big French and Saunders fans! Media Illiterates! :P

So moving on, to something that struck me a week or so back, with the inadvertent help of a housemate. Hehe - or entirely advertent perhaps - I'm not, despite some rumours, a mind reader.

Anywho. I was explaining the recent depression stuff and how it felt as though they'd pulled back. How we all got along so well and then it seemed to stall. I did make sure to add that I knew it was perception more than reality, but a very real perception - warped by my trust issues - all the same.

So, without recounting the entire conversation, which went for some time - which was good in itself, putting many paranoid issues to sleep again - well something else came out of the talk.

Not so much directly and the irony is it was something I already knew; something I've told others before. I'd forgotten it - becoming too settled in my issue to notice. Which is the heart of the whole point here really: I needed to take an honest view of myself and I did for a very long time. Recently it moved into facing things I'd previously been unable, or unwilling or both, to face. Most of you, having read for a while, will know about all that now.

In this, my view of honesty is simply acknowledging things. If I'm depressed or traumatised or whatever ... to admit it to myself. After all, one can only deal with an issue after it is known. You have to gather that awareness before progress can begin.

The problem though is ... once that is done ... the awareness is there. It isn't going anywhere - it won't fade or cease to be. That being the case, what point is there in continuing to focus too narrowly on it.

I suppose - the easiest way to explain it is - you have to look back to find the issues and so on .. but you then have to look forward in order to deal with them. Not in a 'glance-away' denial kind of thing; it is more ... avoiding being too embedded in the problem that you cease looking at the answers.

Quite an obvious and simple thing really. Took me some time to re-gather it though and now that I have ... things are turning well, if slowly. It is all about where and how you focus your mind. Keep that eye on the problem and the messages you send to the undermind are only going to reinforce that view. So you have to avoid that - instead ... know the problem but focus attention on solutions ... then, the messages being sent to the undermind will be ones that put apart the embedded views, allowing new growth to finally arrive.

I know I'm not there yet ... but I can see it now.

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
Okay,

Found out something recently that I, err, well haven't yet passed on o.O

It started in dreams - well nightmares ... 'the' nightmares ... and I followed up with the Doc and ... well, this is truly bizarre. My attack was in 2005, not 2004. All this time I've been certain that is was in '04 but ... well ... it wasn't. Beyond bizarre. How does someone lose (or add) a whole year to something like that? How does that happen?! o.O

The easy answer is trauma, though I am a little freaked a bit. Didn't want to say anything until I had processed it, or made a good effort. After all, if you get something like the year wrong ... what other memory is broken?

I know the day and month were/are right, that is clear, but still a little unsettled. Makes you wonder how memory is always only a view and that, just because something is recorded there, you have few assurances as to any kind of infallibility.

Okay - that's all for now ... yikes ...

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
Well. In my last post I said I wasn't going to get ahead of myself. Good thinking that: last night - when I was still feeling better, calmer - in the smallest moment, an instant so small I cannot place it, everything fell again. I'm tired. Tired of being such a messed up, broken remnant of someone I once knew. THEY brought me this and I hate them so much. After two sleeps without nightmares they also returned, after I spent hours in a hole so deep I couldn't see out. I feel somewhere in between now. Mostly, I feel embarrassed and tired of showing the world fragile views of me. Tired of seeing them myself.

I'm just glad someone was there to reach for. In truth I was trying to distract myself, so I jump them in MSN, all cheerful. It didn't work and it wasn't long until they knew something was seriously out of sync. So they stayed and talked and listened and that's what a friend does. In my head I know that. I know I have friends but, in that deep place, cold and empty, it can be difficult to believe the things you know.

This person also passed bits to another - thoughts on where I was and how and why. I didn't mind - though on another day I might have. I didn't much care about anything at the time. It was a good thing in the end, because the other and myself then talked and I finally managed to put into words where the problem sits (beyond the obvious) and they 'got it.'

So I am taking that and using it here - to try to explain. Hopefully, this time it will make more sense.

At the heart of it is my trust issues - unfair of me really: I have to fight to trust anyone and, it is so hard, I can't get there alone. I need people to meet me half-way. I know a few get that - and they're just busy and things at times ... but I also know many stand back, because they fear putting more weight on me. They see this fragile Kate and don't want to push. Which is the opposite of what I need.

Fucked up eh? - a demented emotional recluse, with serious trust issues, expecting people to trust her - heh. You see, I know any real friendship takes trust from both sides - yet all I can offer is a best effort, and still I expect others to offer the same, without regard to what I have or haven't managed to give.

This other person, last night, also mentioned how, when I 'hide' it makes me seem more fragile. So they thought I wanted to have time to myself. No. A case of opposite land once again.

When I was here last time I fled, because I started to feel close to people and wasn't yet ready - my trust wasn't developed enough. I knew if I had stayed, I would likely have pushed people away, subconsciously or otherwise. So to avoid that and to find space to address this trust problem I had (still have, though not as profoundly). I left.

Now, however, I'm ready for friends - but some who knew me before treat me as the frail person I was then. I am not that old Kate anymore - the bad moments I have now are different. Generally due to feeling isolated - not, as they used to be, from getting too close and being unable to deal. Rather, these come from my desire to connect and my own inability to reach the whole distance, while too few realise I'm even reaching.

Twisted irony eh?

And new folk? - I have no idea. Some probably don't know how to approach, given things I've revealed. Others - probably just have lives: their own concerns and trials and distractions. It's okay - just not when I slip and everything seems deliberate. I KNOW it isn't. But knowing and getting the thorns inside to believe aren't the same thing.

Sometimes - main chat is worse that sitting outside - being in a crowd - I can't go there when I'm really in the bad place. Perceptions outweigh realities - all messed and tangled. So I avoid it for two reason. I am NOT hiding. Merely mitigating the twisted feelings I have at the time - not feeding them. That and avoiding hurting others. You get close to an edge and there is always the chance you'll collapse and just unload at people - people who don't deserve that.

So I'm not hiding because I am frail, I'm withdrawing because my view is wrong - and I know that. People can talk to me, PM, MSN, Priv - whatever. IF they want to. I'm not trying to find isolation. The fact I hang around should reveal that. I need contact. Want it even. I just can't get there myself - though I have tried repeatedly.

So I withdrew for a while - willing to have one on ones - to still talk. I assumed everyone understood that. I wasn't looking for alone - just ... not too much noise in one place - makes sense?

Then - to be honest - sometimes the pain is so much (legacy of the attack - not due to isolation) I want distraction but find it hard to reach out for it, because of the trust issues - they take so much effort to fight . I find myself unable to do that by myself. It's so difficult for me to reach out that way, to initiate any contact, discussion and so on. For one person I admire very much, this has added difficulties. Simply because they rarely initiate privs and such with anyone. They have that right. I'm not annoyed, more puzzled as to how to bridge a gap between one with trust issues and another happy to stand back. Almost amusing. Heh.

The simple fact that even my closest friends are difficult to reach for, that is a point of shame. It feels like saying "Oh, you are my friend but I just can't trust you" - and expecting them to go "Oh, Okay - sure thing." *sigh*

So,  in summary, trust issues hold me back from reaching for others when I need to most - and they hold back, thinking I want alone. Quite a self-made cell I have for myself.

I used to naively trust everyone - and the naivety is still there - but I can't follow through like I used to. Possibly a good thing, given where it led me in 2004. That was when they stole that ability. I used to not care, just wanting to move forward, but lately I find myself in a place from which I can easily HATE THEM.

So yeah - there it is the post that reveals how messed up and fragile I am - and asks for people to stop treating me as such. Yay for contradictions.

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)

Being assaulted, made helpless, a witness of your own reduction is a singular experience - one I could never wish upon anyone: not those very few I have hated in my life nor those who have inflicted this very moment on myself. It leaves a strain, an embedded strand you can't remove, though you try, you endlessly keep trying to un-thread that needle. Maybe it does fade someday. If so, I have not reached that day yet.

This is not an essay of woe-is-me, just an effort to write some details out and, by reflection, maybe find some answers - or, at least uncover where to start looking. A 'survivor' is like a cemetery in many ways - there is so much buried in us; so much that is dead and so much more of what once lived. Some of it we bury ourselves - nerve-endings and those raw edges we are weary of carrying. We also bury parts of ourselves at sea and, in order to keep our lungs full, we learn to breath underwater. The art is not so hard - once the need arises. We cast off the things too painful, the moments we don't want defining us. The real problem rises when we start burying anything that might risk entering such moments again.

For me that was trust.

Read more... )


evilkate: (Default)
Okay - the 'day' I mentioned previously, ambiguously, is only 2 sleeps away now. Strangely, over the last few days I've been feeling stronger. The closer the 22nd moved, the more it felt as though I might be entering a watershed moment - breaking an eye and finally seeing a new view. Taking some control back. Which is all true - to a degree - but maybe not to the extent I hope for. Maybe not quite yet.

It's strange. I realised, a few days back that the kitchen cupboards; general closets; linen pantry and all such 'storage' spaces - well, I haven't touched them since that day in 2004. I haven't cleaned or sorted or reorganised any of them. I think the events - the one, as yet, unspoken and the mess in these spaces is connected.

I probably don't understand all of the psychology involved. We rarely do regarding ourselves. I have, however, noticed an ironic comparison. I'm clean and tidy at my surface (usually - barring the occasional emotional spill) and so is the house. Both are well-maintained and seem altogether well presented, until you start fossicking around in the hidden spaces. In those, everything is messy and untended - in both the house and myself.

I have begun sorting and cleaning through the cupboards etc in the house - a good sign, another movement into taking back some control. To be fair to myself, I've also been doing that emotionally for a while, in myself: seeing a psychologist; now seeing a psychiatrist about the 2004 stuff directly; getting out more and finding myself among good friends. Learning to trust people again.

But somehow, cleaning these hidden spaces in the house has been a huge shift. It's something tangible. Something that, once done, is visibly done. It's easier to see the changes in a physical environment. Much easier than finding the same within oneself.

But - as I mentioned near the start of this post - while I do feel stronger, I can't ignore the brittleness beneath it all. I'm still a little raw and fragile. This became particularly obvious when I lost my temper in a chatroom and stormed off. I'm not excusing my bad behaviour, just realising how thin-skinned I am becoming as the 22nd nears. It's stupid. But it is what it is.

I never lose my temper. It's the one emotion I rarely spill. I tend more to rational discourse; to thinking through something and, to a degree, being able to see most sides of an argument and argue from consensus, not ideology. That isn't to say I don't fight hard for things I believe - just that I'm not, usually, prone to using "I'm right, you're wrong!" debating techniques.

I said I never lose my temper - but of course I do ... just very rarely. If someone annoys be gravely - and I know argument will not resolve anything - I am prone to withdrawing and just raising the 'cone of silence' :) - passive aggressive ... me? :P

But today I really lost it. I just saw red - literally - and terminated further discussion in an intemperate manner. All that with a friend too. And I can't say all the above to them, because it just looks like excusing bad behaviour. I own my actions.

So - here I am - having realised how brittle the moments around me are. Hopefully it changes after Friday (22nd) and I can find a way to swallow my pride and return to the chatroom; take all my pills, including moderator expressions of discontent and apologise to the target of my outburst.

Taureans. We're famous for being both stubborn and prideful. I despise losing my temper as I did and it's not easy when I do, because I'm usually the last to one forgive myself.

Most of all I despise having to say the whole "I'm fragile" thing. It's stupid and akin to victim-speak. I have always refused to be a victim but ... I don't know how I reconcile that with,  how any honest view of myself must accept those fragilities.

Typing this has not been easy. I managed only by reminding myself of how I vowed to live this honest life thing.

This is one of those also rare moments, where I wonder about the value of Honesty. Whether it's worth it after all.

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
Well it's the 9th of May - here at least - and I'm in a strange place, but then I have been every May for some time now. It's a month that has carried echoes since May 22nd 2004. Why? Well that isn't for now, beyond noting that a lot changed in my life back then.

I'm planning, as mentioned in a previous blogging, to post the cliff notes later - possibly on the looming May 22nd: seems like a good day for it, a time to be positive and take back some things that other's tried to take away.

Yeah, May is an odd Month: my birthday is in 4 days, on the 13th - yes, that makes me an Autumn-child here.  Oh and don't feel sorry for me regarding the date - I always thought it was a lucky number. Still do. For the life of me, sometimes I don't know why. I suppose because whatever I've been through, I know someone, somewhere has seen worse. Which isn't to discount my own trauma, just put it into context. Because everyone experiences pain - or at last they should because it's the touch-point between us all. The hurts and traumatic moments in life are something we have in common. That we endure and survive is something we share. Even if we don't always share the details.

I used to be so confident. Now, I just manage to wear the right masks often enough, because they are necessary and because you can't spill everything all the time. Not even I can do that - not even with my new found honesty. Besides, people can catch some spillage and good friends will but they can't catch it all, nor should they have to. The point of sharing such pain is not to bring them into it with you, rather it's to get it away from yourself for a while - and also to stop holding everything in. Sometimes, you just have to spill a little.

That's what I lost on that terrible day - that day still not distant enough - my confidence. Not all the time just intermittently too often. I guess you could call them moments of hesitation, where I spend too much time second-guessing myself instead of just being. At my worst I can fall into changing my behaviours: natural instincts fall away and I'm left flailing, grasping for the right answer or the 'correct' course. It becomes difficult to just be me. It doesn't happen as often as it used to but it does still happen. These twisting circles of thought start parading around and I simply cannot make a choice. Consequence and fear take hold. It's very annoying.

Think of this as a precursor post - a warning for the one to come. Some close friends already know so why am I going to post in this public place. It'll be for me. Not a single soul need read it and the job will be done. Maybe it'll be another step toward healing. I don't know. At the moment I have no idea if it's wise to post it or not.

I guess I'm embedded in another moment of hesitation.

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
It's been a strange few days, full of new perspectives - some of them relating to my entry two posts back (details on that development another time) and some from a realisation I had, partly due to the first. Hehe.

Confused yet? - well - join the club.

I had spent so many years - the days of denial - not being honest: with myself as much as anyone around me, but then it can be difficult to be honest to others where you aren't to yourself. I know some don't agree with that reasoning but I believe it to be true - at least from my perspective. Anyway, I got past all that and when I decided, after much reflection, to transition, I vowed to only be honest from that point on. So far I've managed reasonably well. Maybe too well sometimes. I'm starting to think there could be such a thing as too much sharing. Perhaps contradictory, given this very entry is more of the same - but meh ... I'm not perfect. Heh.

So I am quite forthright about how I feel about something or where I am in my head at any moment and, the big realisation, is how that trait combines with another to offer an external view of me that could be called 'self-directed' - okay, 'me me me' describes it better :)

The other trait is that I don't press or ask about others. Not because I'm not interested, but rather that I simply have an embedded respect for the privacy of people. If someone opens up and shares then I'm all into discussion and happy to do the old back and forth. However, if they don't then I won't ask. It isn't that I'm not interested ... just not into prying (as it feels to me).

Silly eh? - heh - especially given how, when combined with how open I tend to be, it can leave an impression that, in my world, everything is about me. So yeah - not I've noticed it I am going to start trying to push against friends a little more. :)

Be afraid - be very afraid.

Oh - and the whole "regard for other people's privacy" thing isn't the only reason I'm a little reticent - but, for now, it will be the only one mentioned. There's a biggest nastier reason and, in time, that too will be blogged - if only to get it out into the light, to move another step past feeling dirty. Heh. Let's just say I have a few trust issues - even with good friends - from reasons well-founded. I'm working on it all with a Psychiatrist chappy and soon ... soon I think I'll be able to post it up.

But enough of all that ... the warning is posted. Be afraid :)

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
How does one reconcile an intellect, that has processed something terrible, and an emotional landscape that obviously hasn't?

I don't have the answer and anything I'm likely to say in this mood will sound like whining and a whole lotta boo hoo's.

So I think I'll stop there and you can just deal with the intrigue - or not care. Either way, I'm not fussed.

*sigh*

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