evilkate: (Default)
Well. My mum made an effort - small but probably not for her. For her it was possibly moon-walking :)

When she came over last week (See "When Love is Not Enough" post, previous by a few to this one) she had a present for me but no card. She had left it at home and she insisted I had to have them together. I was fine with that as I know the cards are important to her, because she makes them herself. So she said she would mail it all when she got home.

Today (or 'technically' yesterday) it arrived. A Simple envelope addressed with the name as a letter 'K' followed by my surname. The 'K' is written a little shaky and appears to be penned over a letter 'M' (the initial of my old name). Furthermore, the 'M' is not very solid, as though she started out of habit and stopped. It may not even be that letter - it could just be her trying to get the 'K' right ... under a little pressure.

So yeah ... it was good.

Better was the message in the card, which comes close to 'getting it' - well pretty much does ... with a small disclaimer I'll add at the end.

It said : "Birthdays are a day for reflection ... to celebrate who you are and who you will become."

The last word was on it's own line. Made me weepy. She also rang in the evening, to see if it had arrived and, if so, to check that I understood the message. Hey, it's not like I have an Uber-IQ now - I 'could have' missed it :D

Okay - sarcasm over (just a front to stop the weepies anyway)

So it was/is all good. A step. It doesn't completely make up for the pronoun and name issues on the Thursday ... but it's definitely a good thing.

And the disclaimer? - that she is still thinking in binary. Perhaps that's why she is stuck in the pronouns and old name thing - because until I have finished the transition ... I haven't moved to the other side of the binary. She is from an older world, so the disclaimer, while real, is not a biggie. I can mostly deal with that.

Though, after a suitable delay, I might explain how the name/pronoun thing cuts and why.

Anyway - so yeah - I don't know if this means XMas is on again. I haven't decided yet. I do know that, even if I avoid the siblings for a while, I think I'll work more to find ways of seeing mum.

She isn't there yet ... but, for her, she took a freakin' huge step today (technically yesterday) :D

Kate Out
evilkate: (Default)
I think I lost my Mum today. For a time at least. To keep myself reasonably stable, I'm going to have to let go: phone her in a few days and explain that I won't be visiting for a few years. No Xmas; no birthdays or anything. I can't handle her anymore - not at the expense of myself.

She came over for my birthday (which was yesterday but we couldn't meet up then for various reasons). While here, she got talking and it seemed 'okay' and she even had a chat to one of my housemates. The housemate called me Kate twice over that period. My mum called me *boyname* twice; referred to "his sister" when talking of my sister; used he three times and otherwise managed her usual passive aggressive denial in a similar vein.

I love my mum but each time she does that is like being gutted. Random people can say whatever they want and I could care less, but a parent is different. It actually hurts - because you can't wear the usual armour.

So I'm going to call her and explain that I'll see her in 4 or 5 years, if she then wants to.

She has known for five years now - and still uses the "I need time to adjust" ... but she doesn't offer even a token effort. I know other TG's had had similar and even worse hurt from their own family. Makes me wonder if I should have a right to feel so down. But I know I do - because hurt is hurt, no matter the degree.


evilkate: (Default)

October 2010

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