The Mirror Inside
May. 26th, 2009 04:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evilkateI've been prompted to think a lot lately - how unusual - about perception and the endurance of a self's identity. How anyone who isn't cisgendered has a perspective so much sharper in many ways. My thinking was partly prompted by a blog post from a good friend and kicked into focus when I did a favour for another friend.
In the first case, the friend was noting how, as non-cisgendered people, we often see things behaviourly re male/female that most others miss. It's true. Some would call these stereotypes and there is often a knee-jerk reaction to that word - but these differences do exist. Gender embeds people into social frameworks in differing ways. Now, of course, not all stereotypes apply to all people. That is what makes them stereotypes - the fact that they are broad summaries of complex behaviour. Nor do I see gender as anything close to binary - rather it seems to be a continuum and we all sit upon it somewhere. Furthermore, one cannot confuses sex and gender as many do instinctively: even many who are trans do this at times. After all, for those who cannot reconcile themselves (myself included) without transition - isn't that process partly about bringing physicality and emotional details into sync? Then there are those who manage to reconcile without transition and that makes them no less trans. That whole topic of 'authentic' is a discussion for another day though. For now - let's focus.
So it is not a simple thing but it has a simple resolution. If people can simply respect each other and offer whatever pronoun is preferred, regardless of transitional status, well that's easy ... isn't it?
But apparently it is not. This is where we come to the second friend, the one I did a favour for. He was in a forum where a transwoman was bemoaning how many lesbians would refuse to accept her. My friend wanted to know what her point was. He didn't quite 'get it' but, he had the decency to ask someone and to realise his issue.
Reading through that thread, I grew steadily angrier. Not only because so many responses were callous; selfish and basically vicious, but because of the general reality that they 'did not get it' - and these were people who SHOULD have.
I find it incredibly ironic - and somewhat tragic - how any gay girl could say "Sorry, I can't be with you because you are not a 'real' woman" - and that was the basic argument. They will say the same to post-ops, including those who past extremely well. Now don't mistake me here. People are allowed their preferences and we all have them. If someone isn't attracted to someone else, then they aren't - and if that is because they are not into some physical or emotional detail, that also is their right.
However, what ever happened to compassion and being polite? Why would anyone need to rabidly assert some kind of viciousness, by actually naming their preference as "only real women."
So what makes a woman real even? Having a womb? - hey there are woman born without those, a medical condition. Having a cycle? - so are we really defining gender based of binary ideals of physical characteristics? Being 'born' female? - well that might cause conflicts if we drop the whole binary gender model. Hrmm?
There was once a large movement within feminism - much of it centred among the gay population - that worked toward deconstructing gender. Where did that movement go? Did I miss something? :) People who have fought to own their identity, to not be defined by the views of others - some seem to have little issue with defining "not a real woman/man" and then imposing that on someone who is trans. How can these people not see what they do?
Most of all, I find it incredulous - that women who have had to fight for their place; to assert themselves as gay and proud; to push constantly against the weight of bigotry and institutional discrimination ... how tragic that some of those people who then inflict the same kinds of ignorance on others?
So there you have it. I always knew and had commented and discussed it with friends before this - but seeing the attitudes in that room. It was all so jarring ... that we have not moved as far as some keep telling us we have. Ignorance still abounds. People are still embedded in selfish realities and the world is still a harsh place to many.
Kate Out
PS: Oh - and don't go into the "Harden Up" argument people. I think that itself is a bogus argument, used by many to disavow any personal need to care. What? - so the world can be a harsh reality ... I don't agree that we need to surrender our compassion; fold inwards and become overtly self-interested beings. The world becomes less harsh only when we bother to care for the plight of others. Compassion is not a weakness ... it is the best thing we have going for us :)
In the first case, the friend was noting how, as non-cisgendered people, we often see things behaviourly re male/female that most others miss. It's true. Some would call these stereotypes and there is often a knee-jerk reaction to that word - but these differences do exist. Gender embeds people into social frameworks in differing ways. Now, of course, not all stereotypes apply to all people. That is what makes them stereotypes - the fact that they are broad summaries of complex behaviour. Nor do I see gender as anything close to binary - rather it seems to be a continuum and we all sit upon it somewhere. Furthermore, one cannot confuses sex and gender as many do instinctively: even many who are trans do this at times. After all, for those who cannot reconcile themselves (myself included) without transition - isn't that process partly about bringing physicality and emotional details into sync? Then there are those who manage to reconcile without transition and that makes them no less trans. That whole topic of 'authentic' is a discussion for another day though. For now - let's focus.
So it is not a simple thing but it has a simple resolution. If people can simply respect each other and offer whatever pronoun is preferred, regardless of transitional status, well that's easy ... isn't it?
But apparently it is not. This is where we come to the second friend, the one I did a favour for. He was in a forum where a transwoman was bemoaning how many lesbians would refuse to accept her. My friend wanted to know what her point was. He didn't quite 'get it' but, he had the decency to ask someone and to realise his issue.
Reading through that thread, I grew steadily angrier. Not only because so many responses were callous; selfish and basically vicious, but because of the general reality that they 'did not get it' - and these were people who SHOULD have.
I find it incredibly ironic - and somewhat tragic - how any gay girl could say "Sorry, I can't be with you because you are not a 'real' woman" - and that was the basic argument. They will say the same to post-ops, including those who past extremely well. Now don't mistake me here. People are allowed their preferences and we all have them. If someone isn't attracted to someone else, then they aren't - and if that is because they are not into some physical or emotional detail, that also is their right.
However, what ever happened to compassion and being polite? Why would anyone need to rabidly assert some kind of viciousness, by actually naming their preference as "only real women."
So what makes a woman real even? Having a womb? - hey there are woman born without those, a medical condition. Having a cycle? - so are we really defining gender based of binary ideals of physical characteristics? Being 'born' female? - well that might cause conflicts if we drop the whole binary gender model. Hrmm?
There was once a large movement within feminism - much of it centred among the gay population - that worked toward deconstructing gender. Where did that movement go? Did I miss something? :) People who have fought to own their identity, to not be defined by the views of others - some seem to have little issue with defining "not a real woman/man" and then imposing that on someone who is trans. How can these people not see what they do?
Most of all, I find it incredulous - that women who have had to fight for their place; to assert themselves as gay and proud; to push constantly against the weight of bigotry and institutional discrimination ... how tragic that some of those people who then inflict the same kinds of ignorance on others?
So there you have it. I always knew and had commented and discussed it with friends before this - but seeing the attitudes in that room. It was all so jarring ... that we have not moved as far as some keep telling us we have. Ignorance still abounds. People are still embedded in selfish realities and the world is still a harsh place to many.
Kate Out
PS: Oh - and don't go into the "Harden Up" argument people. I think that itself is a bogus argument, used by many to disavow any personal need to care. What? - so the world can be a harsh reality ... I don't agree that we need to surrender our compassion; fold inwards and become overtly self-interested beings. The world becomes less harsh only when we bother to care for the plight of others. Compassion is not a weakness ... it is the best thing we have going for us :)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 07:53 pm (UTC)I'm ambidextrous too, but I forced myself to be so as a child (was originally right handed, now right is still stronger, but left is very good. I spent hours writing the alphabet with my left hand when I was eight, after a friend broke her arm and I realised how useful it would be to know how to write with both), and I have synaesthesia (music --> colour, emotion --> colour), which causes me to use strange metaphors. And most people who meet me in person, if they know even a little bit about autism tend to ask, after a little while, whether I'm autistic. (Not diagnosed, much of what I've read about autism fits, but eh, I've got enough diagnosises. Don't need more.)
I have a genius IQ, but I don't put a whole lot of weight in IQ tests. I know someone who's IQ is probably about 60 points less than mine, and she's far more successful than I am (probably not in society's eyes, but she's at least more productive than I am.
That's good to know about the hormones, I didn't know that. I don't think she's on them at all yet, she basically looks like a guy with long hair.
The initial stages of any relationship are hard. Hard to know how to reach out, hard to read other people's signals, hard to know whether you're pushing too much or too little.
I seem to end up "good old best friend too" quite a bit. Annoying.
There have to be more people like us though, because it really is the best way to go about it. You don't want someone you only like when you're in bed with them. It's a great way to hide the fact that there's nothing else keeping the relationship going. You want someone that you like eating dinner with and you like watching tv with and you like doing housework with, and you like going shopping together and you like talking to them. Sex is fun and all, but it's not a very firm foundation for a relationship. I hope you find her :)
The war is far from won over here in East-Central Europe, and we know it. We have one club, and now it's been overrun by straight people and advertising itself as the gay club that lots of straight people come to because it's so fun! And it really is in the gays' best interests (even just monetarily) to not chase away the lesbians (who don't like straight men coming to their club to oggle at them or worse.) The problem is much more involved than that, but my knowledge of what's going on is somewhat privileged.
So we cross the border, and go to a small club whose name isn't printed on the building, and ring the doorbell and pay our 100 dinars (a little more than a euro) and the bouncer lets us in and we go downstairs and dance to Serbian songs that only I like *g* for the privilege of being in a place, where everyone is queer and no one will bother us.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-04 03:42 am (UTC)Yes English is my only language - much to my regret. The docs think, because of my Intuitive Savant thing, that I don't have a lot of space for more semantics. The subconscious needs what it there. Likewise, I have a bad memory, especially for things that my subconscious is working on. It's as though only 'one of us' can remember something at the same time. I'm used to it.
I also don't put much weight in to the IQ stuff. I have know some supposedly very smart people do very dumb things (myself included) and, likewise, I have lot of 'average' friends who make smart decisions. I went to one Mensa meeting - an age ago - and fled screaming. Literally. :) - I had gone in and the first 3 or 4 people I met all introduced themselves in a manner like "Hi. Angie 175" or "Hello. Brad 168" and I was like "What planet are you people from?!" :P
Apparently I was the 2nd smartest person there - on paper - woo hoo. Oh gawd. I have no issue with people refusing to be ashamed of a trait like intellect (because it does isolate us in a way) but I despise those who go too far and use it to mark themselves as somehow better. They have bought the lie - that this gift makes them superior. Tragic.
Oh I agree - there have to be more like us, surely. I just wish I could find one somewhat age appropriate :P - which is more for their benefit than mine. My longest rel (11 years) was with someone almost 10 years younger and I look at the inner voice of whoever, not the rest. Alas, the other way around I can understand why someone that much younger would think 'old' and nix anything. So yeah - hence I seek age appropriate, because most of the world is silly with boundaries and stuff. I have always seen boundaries are more like guidelines myself :P - but then I am evil - heh.
And the club thing - oh yes. Same here. One girl club and there are more straight than lez girls many days and the DJ's will play Katy Perry (urgh!) - I kissed a girl - and all the straight girls will dance to it and think they are cool, while the rest are left to idle and fume. I don't attend there. Even the girls I live with refuse to. One of them was working there and quit due to the annoyance. It's a sucky club. :)
Oh - and if you know anyone similar to yourself - close to their mid-30's :P - don't hesitate to tell her how 'special' I am eh? :D
Kate Out
no subject
Date: 2009-06-04 08:01 pm (UTC)Language has always been something that I just sort of grokked. And for me, each language has a different sort of texture to it, a different feel. Some things belong in one language while others belong in other. Usually, they belong in the language they happened in, but breaking that makes it easier or harder to talk about something. Easier to talk about harder things, especially when a language is new, and the painful English words are replaced with words I found in a dictionary that mean what I want to say, but don't mean anything in particular to me.
I've never been to a mensa meeting, but I don't think I'd enjoy it. I'm Pthalo 147, but the IQ test stops measuring things accurately at around 140 or so, possibly a little lower. After that point, I could be smarter or dumber than someone with a higher IQ than mine, and the test means very little. I'm obviously very different from someone with 110 or 120, but I'm not all that different from friends who got the number 180 or whatever. It's just a completely useless number that tells how good I am at taking IQ tests. I've probably raised it by 10-15 points since then because part of the test is memorising long strings of numbers, and I can do that much better now than I could a few years ago even.
You mentioned somewhere else about party tricks. One of mine is squaring numbers. You tell me a number (I usually ask for two digits since those are easy and I can do them quickly and they're enough to impress people) and I square it for you. But after a while I start feeling like a side show freak.
I think it's fine to see certain boundaries as guidelines. Specially boundaries like those, the societal imposed ones. Boundaries a person sets are different. Those are firm rules to me. But society is different.
We don't have a girl club. We have one gay club and that's it, and it's run by a straight guy who wants more straight guests because there's more money in them.
Oh - and if you know anyone similar to yourself - close to their mid-30's :P - don't hesitate to tell her how 'special' I am eh? :D
hee. :) will do. Myself, I am too young for you, yes. I like older women, but 35 is kind of the upper limit I had in mind (more of a guideline than a rule), but you're in Australia, and I just met you yesterday, and things are looking up with M for me.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-05 10:08 am (UTC)So my request was sincere - if you fall across someone age-appropriate ... slip 'em a note ;)
And I'm happy to hear that things are looking up for you and M - good luck - really. As I said before, it's always nice to see others prosper after traumatic times. :)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-05 11:04 am (UTC)I'll keep it in mind though. Don't know to many people though. :)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-05 11:21 am (UTC)I knew you two would like each other. And I'm glad I was right!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-04 08:09 pm (UTC)otherwise, it's a song about the kind of girl (straight except when drunk) i probably wouldn't kiss anyway :P